He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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