He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
