i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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