Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
wat bout pragnant strippers??
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We have so much sex to catch up on
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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