Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
