my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you traded sex for a burrito?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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