just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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