Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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