first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
