my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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