theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
