I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
