her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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