just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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