someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
