It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
