I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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