I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
