I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
