Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
