other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
