New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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