just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
