i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
