First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
