well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
