Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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