I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
