gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
sex in a hospital.. check
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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