Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
