Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
