someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
