Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
