dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
