6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
