Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
