I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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