dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
