Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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