I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
