I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
