If i come over, it means nothing
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
