Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
