I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
