I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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