I wish I could teleport
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
