I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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