evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
