Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Can you bring me the toilet please
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
