White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
