I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
